My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
