actually, I'm a sock model
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
