Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
