that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Randomize
