I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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