Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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