dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
