Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
