I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
