New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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