And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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