my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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