...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
