so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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