I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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