I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
