giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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