My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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