My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
