Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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