Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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