I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Randomize
