yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
