I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
