eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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