i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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