Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
