Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
