I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
