I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
