just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
