If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
