I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
