you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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