I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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