based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
