You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
