I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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