Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
