He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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