I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
