allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
