I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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