Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
