I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
