Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
