oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
