life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
