Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
