I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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