I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
