I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
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