I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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